Breaking the Cycle: Natakey Page Owens on Surviving Domestic Violence & Creating the Pamela D. Page Foundation

I've had the privilege to sit down with Natakey Page Owens, the Founder of the Pamela D. Page Foundation (PDP), for a moving and illuminating conversation. Natakey, a survivor of Domestic Violence, bravely recounts her personal journey and how the tragic loss of her mother to Domestic Violence inspired her to create the foundation. PDP is committed to providing essential resources to survivors while raising awareness about the far-reaching impact of domestic violence. This episode offers a raw, enlightening, and empowering perspective on a difficult subject.

Deep in conversation, we confront the generational effects of domestic violence, and the complex reasons why many stay in abusive relationships. Natakey sheds light on the power of inner healing and the importance of breaking cycles of violence. She also discusses her experience as a mother and as an advocate, and how she's inspiring her children and others through her work. We delve into the role of societal pressures on public figures dealing with domestic violence, and the challenges in seeking help.

In our final discussion, we zoom in on the crucial role a support system plays when escaping a domestic violence situation. Drawing from Natakey's personal experience and the mission of PDPF, we discuss how encouragement without judgment can make a difference in a survivor's journey. Natakey emphasizes that it's not uncommon for survivors to attempt leaving their abuser multiple times before successfully doing so. Tune in for an enlightening discussion about the reality of domestic violence, and the resilience of survivors who are not just surviving, but thriving.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

It's like those societal norms of like, like you said, some people not trauma bonding with like oh, because you went through it, you can handle it. I got through it to be stronger. You know what I mean. Stop crying like so interesting, but I think it's very common.

Speaker 2: 0:17

And being told to suck it up. You strong, look, we can't. We're not always strong. This is the bottom line, like we're not always strong and and you need a support system. You need somebody to encourage you, to let you know that there is life after trauma and we can get out of this, and we want to get out safely.

Speaker 1: 0:39

You're listening to the black directory podcast, where we focus on bringing black entrepreneur experiences to the forefront. Each week, we would discuss the highs, the lows and everything in between. I'm your host, diamond young. Let's dive in. Hey, what's up? Everybody is diamond, host of the black directory podcast, and we are back with another episode. I have a very special guest today Miss the talkie page Owen. She is the founder of the Pamela D page foundation, which focuses on Domestic violence awareness, and I'm just so, so, so excited to have her here, and not only so we could touch on this topic, but really go deeper, not surface level, and hopefully, you know, we know you guys are gonna leave here with something. So welcome, welcome, welcome to the show, nattaki, thank you. Thank you for having me, of course, of course. So I definitely want to get into your story. How did this foundation come about? Like what? Why is it so important to you? So let's go into more or so. Who is Nattaki? Tell us about who you are.

Speaker 2: 1:52

Well, first of all, I am a child of God, I am a woman of God first of all, and I am a mother of three, a Mimi of one, and I am an author. I'm a Transformational speaker. I would like to say transformation, because you know, I believe in people making transformation, not Motivating for just a moment. We like to see people transform. I have a bachelor's degree in business. I am also a hairstylist for 25 years.

Speaker 1: 2:26

This year, yeah, no, that's huge. You know my mom like I feel, like you all have been in the industry for so long. So I'm always all about that and giving y'all kudos, because you know people. It's a lot of trust that you put in someone that's touching your head, your crown, so Shout out to y'all because that is important work. But okay so tell us about the Pamela Foundation, the Pamela D page foundation like. What is it? What is it about and who do you all serve?

Speaker 2: 3:04

so Pamela D page foundation is I advocate organization for domestic violence survivors. So my mother I lost my mother to domestic violence in 1986 and I was only 10 years old and so I'm also a survivor. So I went through domestic violence for about maybe four or five years and so I decided to. You know, losing your mom at such a young age, you feel like there's more, that should have been more to her, because she was only 29 at the time that she was killed. So I wanted her legacy to live on.

Speaker 2: 3:46

She had struggles being a mother and battling with Addiction, and then you know these co-dependency of Relationships which led to her death. So I wanted because I survived and she wasn't able to share her story I wanted to be a part of sharing her story and so I developed the fact, the foundation, so that we can help other survivors to thrive after surviving. So that's exactly what we do, and so we um, you know we are non-profit, so we raise money and we try to give back into the community for those who you know need our resources.

Speaker 2: 4:30

The main thing that we have right now would be focused on housing, maybe like in a hotel, and then for therapy.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Okay, okay, okay, yeah, that's that's amazing work that you're doing. I think domestic violence is something that's all around us. It's like there but not there, right? People may not talk about it, or but it's like you know it's happening and it takes one conversation to happen. You know, if people feel comfortable for people to be like oh yeah, that happened to me too and it's like wow, like even in a family, how, how common it is and just one Family, one house, one, not one household, but just within one family, because you know we're not talking about that kind of stuff. And then it comes up and it's like way, auntie went through that too, or cousin, such a such one, through that too. Like, did you run into that? As you know, as you went through your own domestic violence, yeah, did you see that? Like, did you find other people were going through that too? Or did that come later when you found out that? Like, oh, we went later.

Speaker 2: 5:36

Well, I it came later as God began to deal with me on my on the inside. You know they're, even after relationships, like there's some inner healing. That has to happen because you know trauma as a young child you don't realize how it affects you until you become an adult. And so, as God started revealing certain things to me, because I'm supposed to break, be the generational breaker, curse break Because, yes, it's in the family.

Speaker 2: 6:06

You know, you have, um, my grandma, uncles that you know have Been a part of that, that you've seen. You know, you're growing up and you hear about it and you've seen certain things. So, yes, this generational and people don't talk about it. And and I like to say that I own my truth, and you know, this is my family, all our families come with dysfunction and it's okay to talk about these things because if we don't talk about them, they can't. You know, we can't resolve anything, it just keeps happening. And so I'm the brave one who's, you know, speaking up about and saying, yes, this is generational, this has happened in my family. So now, what am I gonna do to change the dynamics so that this doesn't happen to my grandbaby?

Speaker 2: 6:56

So now that's who I'm concerned about, you know, and because my children saw me coming up in there. So now they see me speaking out and sharing my story and telling others about. Like you know, this doesn't have to be the the end of our story.

Speaker 1: 7:12

And how empowering do you think it is now for your children to see, like, okay, mom's, like you know, leading the pack here, you know trying to change the narrative and not even change the narrative, but trying to provide help and a resource to people that are currently in it or, like you said, the people that they survived it. But how can we thrive now? Like, do you think you you've made them proud? I'm sure you have.

Speaker 2: 7:34

I think I have, because they, you know, they're big supporters and even you know my daughter, who's Her dad was the one that I was in the relationship with, and the very first time I shared my story and she came, I Told her, you know, at any time that you want to move, you know, leave the room, you can, but I do believe that God is calling me to do this and she stayed the whole time.

Speaker 2: 7:58

So that was. That was good, that she stayed, because I've never talked against her dad, I'll her relationship with her dad's, her relationship and and it should be just that. And we and him and I are just fine now. But we were so young back then and so as you got an older and you get to see different things and the forgiveness and all of that comes and we're, you know we're in a we're in a different space, but that's still my story. You know that's what's called me to be where I'm at right now. But I think they're proud of me and I'm glad. I'm glad to be, you know, an example for them.

Speaker 1: 8:33

Yeah, yeah, I agree, like it is so, so, so nice to see you know. When you have kids it's like, oh, your child, you want them to grow and evolve. But it's cool to see parents can grow and evolve two in different ways and it's really a good feeling to see you kind of step into that space and just you're helping others. It's not even just about you, like it's healing within itself, you sharing your story over and over again, and then it's like not knowing what's gonna resonate with someone else. You know, and that's all you can hope for is like hey even if it helps one person.

Speaker 1: 9:06

Cool, you know, but why do you think? I think one thing I hear a lot on social media and online is like why do people stay? You know, I think that's a very common thing. Can you talk about that more about? You know, or at least from your own experience? Or maybe you know now you're hearing other people's stories Like what, what are you seeing with that? What's the common theme of where you can pinpoint like a guy? I think this is why people stay fear One could be fear being alone.

Speaker 2: 9:36

You could have low self-esteem. You know, I was told that I wasn't gonna, you know, make it with three keys, like, or nobody would want me with three keys. So it could be the verbal things that are said to you that makes you believe that You're not able to do a certain thing right. And that's how I was for a moment like feeling like, well, I'm gonna make, I'm gonna do this by myself, I got three kids, you got a house, you got. You know you have to work and you are the risk, you are responsible for your children. So we stay for different reasons. It could be financially he could be the breadwin and you scared to go out here on your own because you've been depending on him. And then it's the part of not wanting to be alone, you know yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:22

Having somebody's like having a piece of man's been, not, you know, having a man at all, which we should definitely not believe that at all, you know. But I believe peace is what we need, the PEA and Now, you know, not a piece of a man. And so it's different reasons that we stay in the children. You want your children to grow up and be in the house with the, with the father. You know I was, um, I had three kids and all my children have different fathers. So, with that being said, I wanted to be with at least one of my children's father. I didn't want to feel like or or paint the picture, because, you know, people see what they see. But I know myself, but you know people look at you say, oh, she got three kids, she got three different daddy's, oh, she lose, she this, you know. So it's the image that I guess you don't want people to look at you like, oh, she lose, that's what she does, you know. And so I wanted to be with one of their dad and I Knew I wasn't supposed to be in it, but I tried to stay for the sake of keeping my family.

Speaker 2: 11:24

So we, you know you probably fighting your head over and over about different ways of Wanting to get out. And then why not? Why not? No, not getting out. So I Believe those are some of the reasons. I mean, I'm sure they're probably others. They probably afraid of their life. You know they might have been threatened. If you leave me, I'm a key or x, y, z, you know. You're just fearful. So thank God I didn't have that situation. But you just never know what, what the reasons are. But they, you know, we find different ways of Talking ourselves out of leaving when we really want to leave.

Speaker 1: 12:02

Yeah, so for you, what did abuse look like in your household with your ex-husband? Like, what's it furrable? Was it physical? What did it actually look like? What was that day-to-day experience like?

Speaker 2: 12:17

So it was. It was worse when I was pregnant with my daughter. He would, you know, he would get drunk. He would come home and arguments would start from nowhere because I Would. I'm very, I'm an introvert, so I stay home like I was good with being home. I know he would be out, you know, hoping that he would come home. But when he came home he would be upset about whatever he's upset about, not sure, but it would be taken out on me. I can remember a night and I talk about this in my book on where he comes home and I'm in bed and I don't even know what the argument was about, but I remember getting choked and I remember getting thrown from the bed, pregnant, you know, and all I could think about who you know, what about my baby, you know? And even then you know that that was enough to leave because now you're endangering our child.

Speaker 2: 13:14

But, I wasn't strong enough to walk away from it. You know it's verbal abuse. I, you know I was called stupid. You know you've been called every name but a child of God. You know telling me that nobody was gonna want me. And then spiritual because, like when you, because I still always had God as a foundation in my, in my life, like thank God for my grandma because she planted that foundation for me. So I knew there was a guy. I didn't have a relationship with him, but I knew him and yeah.

Speaker 2: 13:47

I still tried to go to church or keep God in my life or, you know, say prayers only when I was going through. Of course that's what we do sometimes, but I know God was still listening to me and and. But he will always say lose stuff about, oh, you supposed to be a Christian, but it's why he, you know.

Speaker 2: 14:06

You supposed to be a Christian, but blah, blah, blah, blah. So it'd be things that start making you think what am I Christian, you know? So he would do certain things like that, and, but the majority of it was verbal and and or do certain things. We're here try to provoke me to do, you know, to probably hit him or to get mad so he could leave the house to do whatever he wanted to do. So that's, that's how that was. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:35

That's interesting, like. So let's Take a little bit of a turn and talk about the role of family. So back then, when all of this was going on, well, how long Was the abuse going on? Let's start with the timeline.

Speaker 2: 14:48

So let's see, we met in 98 and I had my, so I was 22. Yeah, 22 years I had my son at 21, so 22 and we. I had my daughter in 99 and and we split all together in 2004. Okay, he left me to go before.

Speaker 1: 15:23

Okay, so during this time, what was the role of your family? Do they know you were going through abuse? Did you ever ask for help? Because that's always something of like. Did you tell someone? But you know we talked before, sometimes you could tell people, and that I mean they're gonna help. Like you know, I think it's different dynamics to, I mean I Black culture, just all sorts of stuff. So let's talk a little bit about the role of family. And did you feel like you had someone that you could go to for help, or was it all on you to help yourself?

Speaker 2: 15:57

Honestly, I feel like it was all on me because nobody was talking about it. I Think they knew a little bit. I didn't talk a lot about it, like I never went to them and say, oh, he's doing this to me. But one I know my grandmother knew God was her soul, um, and I Did call once and asked could I come on? And she said I'll call you back. And she never did so that was her way of saying no without saying no, and that was hurtful. So that meant I was gonna have to deal with whatever I had to deal with, because we married. So she owes food more than likely. She went through abuse too with my mom's dad, so she knew what that life was like. But they never had that talk. Even having an aunt who also went through the same thing, nobody sat down and talk about it. Nobody talked about it.

Speaker 2: 16:56

And I don't know if it was embarrassment because you feel embarrassed, because people ask the question well, why would you stay If somebody did that to you? Why would you stay with somebody that does that? Okay, there are many reasons why we stay. It doesn't mean it's right, but those are our reasons. So you fear being judged by why you did, and so maybe that could have been some of their issues and they didn't want to relate to me to be able to say you know what, nantaki, this is what happened to me. You might want to be mindful of this, even if they didn't tell me to leave, but they were giving me some kind of encouragement and I think that's the main thing encouraging people that are in those situations without giving them a whole bunch of things to do, because you know, a lot of bottom line is they're not going to leave until they ready, but if they know that they have the support when they ready, that's that means that's volumes for them.

Speaker 1: 17:56

Yeah, and all that makes me think about is generational trauma, because that's what it is. It's crazy how things can run in a family and it's crazy how sometimes you'll never know until way later oh, three generations went through this. Because some people talk about it, some people don't, and you're like I thought I was the only one. We could have been coming together to be stronger. But it's like those societal norms of like, like you said, some people not trauma bonding, but like, oh, because you went through it, you can handle it. I got through it too.

Speaker 2: 18:29

Be stronger you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 18:31

Stop crying, like that's so interesting, but I think it's very common.

Speaker 2: 18:38

And being so good to suck it up. You strong. Look, we're not always strong. This is the bottom line, like we're not always strong and you need a support system. You need somebody to encourage you, to let you know that there is life after trauma and we can get out of this and we want to get out safely, you know. So we need to talk about it more.

Speaker 1: 19:03

I think what's interesting, too, is like I think this is like talked about a little bit more on social media nowadays, which is the fact that the abuser, their families, like enable them, like they turn a blind eye. Oh, that's my son, or I'm not gonna say son, that's my child, because nowadays I do think it's important also so it can go both ways, it's been going both ways.

Speaker 1: 19:28

I think it's just a little bit more out there with one of the you know a man is kind of doing the abusing, but it's all sorts of people on both sides getting abused in relationships. But it is interesting when people enable their child or turn a blind eye, or what did you say to make him hit you or what did you do to, and it's just, it's the craziest thing. And now we're seeing where, especially like the celebrity versions of everything, why are they coming out 20 years later? Well, why didn't they say something before? I'm actually curious about your thoughts on that because I'm sure you see it all, we see it all the time now.

Speaker 2: 20:07

Yeah, and I, you know, I kinda go back and forth with it too, because I do believe we tell at least one person, you know, and maybe it's because they're afraid. They're just afraid of what people gonna say.

Speaker 1: 20:25

You know.

Speaker 2: 20:25

I think that's the big thing because of social media, when people get up here and paint this beautiful picture, they got it going on. Their life is just so you know no worries in this thing. So then if they come out and like you did what and you went to what you know, so they're afraid about what everybody gonna say, and that's we gotta just not care.

Speaker 1: 20:46

People get crucified for speaking out and they wonder why people don't speak out.

Speaker 1: 20:51

It's like yeah, when it comes to like public figures normal people like I think you still kinda deal with it, but it's like the public figures. It's like if you have an image in your head of like no, this celebrity would never do this. It's like no one wants that image tainted. That's really what it is. No one wants that image tainted. Because it's like if you accept what the accusation is, it makes our world a little bit darker. If you think about it. It's not also always so perfect and peaceful and it's like that reminder of how you know ugly our world can be when reality is going on, regardless whether it's put out there or not. But it's almost like people. It's like no room for that. People are like no, go somewhere else with that. And especially if you do it after the battle, why don't you say something when it happened? And then sometimes you'll see where people there actually is a police report and a track record, but people still are like well, you know, I don't know. It's very, very, very, very interesting to me.

Speaker 2: 21:58

I do, it is. And then we put you know, we put out this image on people or our expectations on certain people, so we are let down by what we think about them.

Speaker 1: 22:10

You know how it puts people on the pedestal, right?

Speaker 2: 22:13

So if you put me on the pedestal because you think I'm perfect, I don't do nothing wrong. And then I'm put out here and I've done something wrong. So now you're disappointed by your expectations out of me, and that's what it is. We get, you know people that watch the social media or the celebrities or whoever you know, and then when you see that happen, you just like in disbelief. But that's just because of the picture that you painted and the pedestal that you placed them on.

Speaker 1: 22:41

Yeah, that's true, that's true. It's like we're kind of feeding into that because of how we view people and I always say, like anyone could do wrong, like it's just one of those things where Go back to the Xamarin? Yeah, and it's hard because it's a lot of he said, she said, as far as in today's time, where it's like now you do have the vibe where people are guilty without the proof, now without court, it's like what Like.

Speaker 1: 23:07

It's kind of like I see the extremes on both ends and all you could do is just hope that we could just have less and less of this stuff going on, because I think it goes back to people who have anger issues, no self-control, a lot of people seeing trauma from their own parents growing up and they're kind of acting on that Like it's probably plenty of reasons that why people do the things that they do. But it's just I'm happy that you have a foundation now that can. All you can do is for the people that are in it. It's like okay, how can we get you some help, get you some resources? So let's talk about the foundation. Okay, what? How has it been going? When did the foundation start? Let's talk about the beginnings of like when you've done that healing to where it's like okay, I'm ready to help others.

Speaker 2: 24:00

So my healing started in 2015, when I totally surrounded, you know, surrendered the Christ. So when God started showing me different things either myself, because we like to blame people for our own hurt, our happiness and stuff like that and I had to learn not to do that I had to own my own stuff. And that's when I started looking at me and how can I have done something differently? Right, so, COVID hit.

Speaker 2: 24:33

So that's what, five years later, you know, I've been doing the work in me, working on me, and I kept asking, because I was out of work for like two months. So I'm asking God. I'm like, okay, now what am I supposed to be doing? Cause I got a routine. I'm used to getting up, going to work, working out, doing so. I had a routine. So now I'm sitting at home and I'm like when? Where I'm going to do so?

Speaker 2: 24:54

I knew that I wanted to still do something with domestic violence and so I did a walk. The first year I did not have my foundation, but we did a Walk and people showed up because I know people probably wanted to get out the house. So people showed up and then it started from there. I ended up getting my 501c3 and so this will be our fourth walk this year, and so I called it life after trauma, because I wanted people to see that we can still thrive after, you know, after domestic violence, like you can thrive, but we do have to do the work. We do have to own our own stuff and we have to do the work in order to heal. So the foundation is established to raise awareness.

Speaker 2: 25:41

I want to get out here and talk about it, because I'm still young, I mean, I'm still fresh in it, so I'm still learning some things on how to, you know, put, put out stuff out here, and so right now is just building relationships with the community to let them know that we're here, hopefully partnering with partners, with others, to help Be a part of our resources. My main goal, though, is to actually Start a program where we can guide the women through so that means whatever that you know a system, what they need, and Meet them right there with what they need, whether that's going back to school, finding a better job, whether they're needing a you know, a bank account to save money, because some people may not be ready to leave. So we're prepping them to leave, and then they could feel secure about when they're leaving.

Speaker 1: 26:38

So we're building.

Speaker 2: 26:40

Working on that, and so you know, and hopefully too, I'm looking for a shelter, you know, where they can have their own space With their children or without children, children without children. But they got their own space and they don't have to share and look at somebody else while they're going through, because that'll make them go back home too. You got your opening. You're seeing everybody, everybody going through some of the same things and you ready to go home because it's more comfortable at home, right, well, of course, going through something or not? You ready, you want to go home. So we don't want to feel that. So they have a safe space where they can just take their time and and get through the trauma.

Speaker 2: 27:21

No we're Working towards and I love that.

Speaker 1: 27:25

That's that's on the ground work. Important is timely. It's like okay, what do you need? And before we wrap up, I just want to ask you what are some tips you know, in case we have anyone that's listening that may either Be a parent or a family member of someone that's going through it, or they meet maybe the person that's going through it and Say they're not quite ready to leave, but they're doing that work. They're starting to like really shift their mind to getting prepared. What are some things? I know you talked about the bank account, but what are some things that Should be their first set of moves? I guess of like, all right, let me kind of start preparing. I.

Speaker 2: 28:02

Would say make sure they got that circle support. They got some people that they can trust, that understand exactly what they're going through. They're not talking behind their back but are really there for them. They have that already sitting, might sit up. So when they're ready to go, they already know they got their support system. They got whatever those needs are. If they got to find another place, if they got to move, their keys are good, like the all of that in place and. But I think that's just the main thing, just having your support system in place. So you can't. You know when I leave. I'm leaving because on average it takes seven times for somebody to leave before they actually that's good to know.

Speaker 2: 28:46

Seven times Seven times, and so you're. You're back and forth all the time about you know, and you do because you battle, about you know, not like I told you before, you don't have nowhere to go, or you just not come. You know, you got your own space back at home, so you find all these reasons to go back or he'll come and apologize Thousand times. I'm sorry you, you know, or he, of course they're blame you for them, you know, at in the way that they act, for, whatever the reason is, they're still, you know, try to get you to come back. So we just got to keep in mind for the people that's just watching, their loved ones or their friends that may be going through it. Keep them in courage. Just remind them of who they are. You know. They might allow sight of who they are and who they who's. They are, who they belong to, you know. So they remind them that they can do it.

Speaker 2: 29:41

They need to be encouraged, not judged. Don't tell them about what you would do, because you don't know what you would do and maybe you would get up and leave the first time. That's good for you, but what about the one that came? So don't make them feel bad about the decision that they made for Stan, encourage them in it and just keep praying for them and keeping them covered and, just whenever you ready, I'm here. Just remind them that whenever you ready, I'm here. That's it.

Speaker 1: 30:11

I love that it's given that love and that grace, and so we all need that time. They may be ready and they're going to need to feel like, okay, I have a plan, I'm ready, and you have someone on the other end ready to help you execute the plan of like, all right, cool, got you some stuff, some clothes, bank account, whatever it is, yeah, so that's so, so good. I'm just so happy that we were able to do this. I hope that someone listening is encouraged to know that there is life after trauma and just how we can all be just less judgmental, more supportive and just give grace when we can.

Speaker 1: 30:56

So please let everyone know, like how they can find you, where they can find you and how they can support and join the movement and be a part of it.

Speaker 2: 31:05

So they can follow us on Instagram or on Facebook at Pamela D Page Foundation. They also can go to our website, which is PDPfoundationcom, and they can donate to help out. We do have an event that's coming up in October they would like to support. We're looking for sponsors or any monetary that will help cover the event. We'll be at the Rocky Mountain Event Center here in Rocky Mountain, north Carolina, and so we'll be doing a hair and fashion show, just raising awareness, bringing people out to say let's stop domestic violence, and that will be great if they can help out. We're also doing a 5K walk that morning. So, yeah, come out and walk or run and just show support to our community and those that. Let's be a voice for the voices.

Speaker 1: 32:03

Yes, thank you. Thank you. Y'all heard it here, so I will make sure, when this episode comes out, to add her links and everything to the show notes. That way you can see the website and everything. Social media pages Again. Thank you so much, shantaki. I just really appreciate you taking the time and just educating us on domestic violence and just ways that we can get involved and not always be on the sidelines. But, like, okay, what can we do? And I think it helps just having this educational component of like, like you said, if these conversations aren't happening or at least they're happening right now right, people are listening to this podcast.

Speaker 1: 32:41

This may be the first time they're hearing it in this kind of setting, so thank you so much for joining us today.

Speaker 2: 32:48

Thank you, and thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 32:52

Of course, thank you for spending some time with us. Thanks for watching the show, be sure to subscribe and leave us a rating and review until next time.